I didn’t realize how much I wanted to be a mother until I had my abortion. Ever since, I’ve had this feeling that a part of me is missing. I have dreams that I’m breastfeeding, or that I’m taking care of a baby. Sometimes, a wave of jealousy washes over me when I see women with their babies. I’ve spent many nights crying, criticizing myself for my choices, longing for my baby. I realized I might’ve been pregnant while on a trip abroad, where I had a dancing gig in the Netherlands. I definitely felt a bit sick, but figured the extensive travel and body exertion was to blame. I was expecting my period and after several days of its absence, I started to get a feeling. I ordered a test to my then home in Los Angeles, so it’d be there when I returned. The night I got back, I took the test. It was immediately positive. My first feeling was excitement, but that quickly turned to panic and worry.
I was 22, in an extremely toxic and emotionally abusive relationship that I’d been trying to leave almost as soon as it started, with a man who was 38. 16 years older than me. The feeling of being trapped that had already established itself prior, deepened. My life would essentially be his, as I was already beginning to feel it was. If we shared a child together, I would be tied to him forever and would most likely still be living under his rules, in his home, with very little autonomy over my own life. The weeks leading up to the procedure were rough. I was nauseous all the time from the pregnancy, but also from the thought of having the abortion. It made me so sick to my stomach. I felt it had to be done despite how sad and awful it would be. I had a suction procedure. 3 years later, I don’t think there’s really been a day that’s gone by and I don’t think about this in some capacity. I am forever grateful for that little life inside of me, for realigning me with my purpose, showing me love, and giving me grace.